Ed: Dea and Sarah headed into the USofA today to procure some cheap clothes, shiny new kitchen appliances (a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer for $150!!), and food on a stick. Alas, we failed in that last bit of our quest. There was no stick-food to be found at IHOP, Starbucks, Target or any of our other stops. But just because we didn’t eat a corn-dog, it doesn’t meant that you fine people can’t be educated on this classic cuisine… read on!

Food on a stick is created by impaling an item of food on an item of stick. An internationally celebrated form of cuisine, food on a stick is considered one of the four basic groups of food appealing only to people who are outdoors, sweaty, far from home and confused, or American (see “Modern”, below). Food on a stick is also among the strongest supporting evidence for the famous scientific principle that “Everything is better on a stick”. Food on a stick can be eaten while walking, thus negating the metabolic impact of the exercise.

Food on a stick is believed to be among the earliest examples of human tool use. Prior to this innovation, the use of fire to cook food was hampered by the fact that fire also cooks hand. After applying pointed sticks to already-dead, helpless pieces of meat, early humans had the idea of using larger, pointier sticks on the kind of meat that is still walking around and eating; food on a stick is thus linked directly to the invention of weaponry and eventually warfare.

And China

As usual the Chinease came along and invented everything early. Some scholars maintain that the use of chopsticks — which were common in the East long before early Europeans even developed opposable thumbs — mean that nearly all Eastern foods qualify as food on a stick and are thus intrinsically superior. Other scholars reply that nobody ever claimed that everything is better between two sticks. Some scholars then pour gasoline on other scholars’ flowerbeds, after which the debate tends to escalate.

The Wonders of the Modern Age

Consumers of today wishing to make food on a stick for themselves can obtain everything from a high-tech electrical rotisserie grill to simple wooden toothpicks suitable for spearing olives and chunks of meat or cheese, or freezing into an ice-cube tray full of juice.

Food on a stick reached it zenith in the summer fair culture of the American midwest. The popularity of food on a stick can undoubtedly be credited to being blatant phallic imagery in this sexually repressed culture. Ed: Go ahead, take a peak at the videos!

In the near future, intoxicated experts agree, new innovations in food on a stick technology are sure to keep pace with other significant fields, and like most fields, will eventually involve lasers, robots, or laser robots.

1. Outhouse opening: Nibbles, 2. stick6.JPG, 3. Fruit on a Stick, 4. cheesecake.JPG, 5. Cookies on a stick, 6. Banana Mashmellow Sticks, 7. Stick food, 8. Meat!